5 < 3 "5 's. A [/J (/) CD 3 * ^ UJ — *** co ^^^^^la^^mi^^^^^ iff" ^^> U*8 IBfUlff ESsS 5 o o t < „ o < I- I- i a S5 oc ^ Z < I- u_ § - oo LU O OC < O QQ KEEP THIS HT71 i BRING YOUR GARBAGE INTO OTHER NEIGHBORHOODS —A CRAZY SIGN— THE MAGAZINE THAT DARES TO BE DUMB (our competitors were the ones who dared us!) BURLESQUE PAUL LAIKIN Editor Emeritus EDEN NORAH Art Directress D emeritus GREGG AXELROD Copy Chief ARON MAYER Sloppy Chief ARTISTS THIS ISSUE: Murad Gum en, Walter Brogan, Bill Burke, Alan Kupperberg, Tony Tallarico, John Langton, Diane Levin, Vic Martin, Ray Billingsley, Dave Wenzel, Sam Viviano, John Stevens, Mike Pardo, Dave Manak, Kent Gamble and Gary Brodsky. WRITERS THIS ISSUE: Fred Wolfe, Paul Kupperberg, Michael Pellowski, Roger Francis, Joe Kiernan, Bob Heit, Phil Hlrsch, Bob Rosenbloom, Jim Simon, William Sullivan, Marylyn D'Amico, Sara Arthur and Joe Thadummi. FRONT COVER: Bob Larkin BACK COVER: Lenny Grow -IN THIS ISSUE - MANHOLE COVER: Con Edison m3\ Specialized Trophies 36 | No Respect 38 I Monster Limericks 42 ■ Waats Happening 45 CRAZY MAGAZINE Is published by Marvel Comics Group. Office of Publication: 575 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. James E. Gallon, President; Stan Lee. Publisher. Published monthly- Copyright* 1977 by Marvel Comics Group, a Division of Cadence Industries Corporation. All rights reserved S75 Madison Avenue. New York. N.Y. 10022. Vol. 1. No. 33, January 1978 Issue. Price 60' per copy in the U.S. and Canada. Second-class postage &•'••'• •" New York, N.Y. and at additional mailing offices. All business Inquiries should be addressed to Ed Shukin, Director of Circulation. 9th floor. No similarity between any of the names, character*, persons and or institutions in this magazine with those of any living or dead person or Institution Is intended, and any such similarity which may exist is purely coincidental. Printed In the United States of America. Th is periodical may not be sold except by authorized dealers and is sold subject In the conditions that if shall not be sold or distributed with any part of Hs cover or markings removed, nor in a mutilated condition. Second-class postage paid at New York, N.Y. and at additional mailing offices. ATTENTION KIDS: DONT BE A DROPOUT - STAY IN SCHOOL AND DRIVE THE TEACHERS CRAZYI ^;- ;; " "" 1 really liked No. 24, except the part about the Marithin Man. Now I'd like to see you write something dumb about that! Walter Randle Rahnert Park, Cal. Dear Walter, Nonny nonny nonny nonnyna! I used to read Mad, then I bought Crazy. Boy, I sure went crazy reading it! I won't buy anything else but Crazy now. And if you print this 1 will really buy them. Thank you for writing such a terrific book! James Bays Grand Prarie, Texas Dear James, Thank you for writing such a terrific letter! Since you did a story on Kink Konk why don't you do one on Godzilla? RichyTiff Jensen Beach, Fla. Dear Richy, You must want us to go ape altogether! Your mag. is the best, but too short. It's better than Mad, Cracked, and Sick, but please make it longer. Dago Hornedo Laredo, Texas Dear Dago, Sorry, but our printer feels that 11 inches is long enough! You have got to be Mad or Cracked to print Crazy. Tom Tier Buffalo, N.Y. Dear Tom, Yes, and a little Sick too! I went to the store the other day looking for some Mad books. They were all sold out so I got Crazy instead. Now I'm a loyal reader. To get right to the point, I would like to know if you would do a movie satire on 'Silver Streak'? Doug Ally Houston, Texas Dear Doug, We will, as soon as we can figure out a "loco" motive! In issue No. 28 I didn't like the way you answered any of the letters. But, I did like the little guy who carries the signs! Debbie Cummings Smithville, Mo. Dear Debbie, What makes you think he isn't the one who answered the letters? ...If you don't print this letter I will jump off the skylight at school! Michael Brodeue Montreal, Canada Dear Michael, Here's your letter-we wouldn't want you to drop out! I never shoulda ndthis to the CRAZY editor! I think CRAZY is a great maga- zine. But what got me upset was that in August #28, a person by the name of Bruce Roepe said Mad was better. Either you're crazy, Bruce, or mad about something! Edith Arnst Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. Dear Edith, Or just a little cracked! I used to love "Mad" and hate "Cracked", but now I have aban- doned them and I love "Crazy". In the first issue I ever read, No. 29, there was "The Crazy Book Of Things You Never Could Figure Out As A Kid". Now I am forever quoting something stupid! Cindy Walker Edmonton, Alberta Dear Cindy, That's how our editor got started! I really like your covers, especially the one about Pres. Carter in the place of George Washington and Donny & Marie in place of American Gothic. Could you do in the future Bob Newhart in place of Blue Boy, Phyllis instead of the Mona Lisa and Mary Tyler Moore instead of Whistler's mother? R.B. Alexandria, Ontario Dear R.B., Love to know what your full name is instead of those initials! This is the first time I read CRAZY (No. 25) and I want to tell you I en- joyed it. I really liked the one about "Happiness For Today's Modern Kids". Keep up the good work'. Sabrina Manzzaro Trinadad, W.I. Dear Sabrina, If we do, It will be more happi- ness for today's modern kids! Your writers must be very freaky and weird when it comes to writing stories and other dumb things. I've always wanted to be as dumb as your writers and smart in their ways. You know what I mean? B.J.W. Culpeper, Va. Dear B.J.W., We would if we were smart! I liked your Issue #29. It was the first CRAZY I ever read. I was sick for a whole week... Leonore Person New York, N.Y. Dear Leonore, What happens when you read Sick— do you go Crazy for a week? EXCLUSIVE! Anita Bryant has no place to go to have her hair done! In Issue #27 you made a mistake. In the Contents Picture 13, it says "Using Wrong Products". It should say "T.V. Scenes We'd Like To See". Mike Reed Birmingham, Ala. Dear Mike, That's what we'd like to see on T.V.— wrong products! ! Iij<e all kinds of magazines but I think CRAZY and Mad are the best. But when I read Issue #22 I flipped. I thought CRAZY was better than Mad! Anthony Cangialori Bayonne, N.J. Dear Anthony, So you're the one! I liked Darny & Merrie in #28 so much I wanted to buy three editions but I had bought the last one. And if you don't print this letter I'll make a CRAZY magazine fire! Robert Matchett Ishpening, Mich. Dear Robert, Shhh!... that's next season! I really like reading "Crazy News Of The Month" everytime I buy GRAZY. I don't see how you can pack million-dollar humor in a 50-cent magazine! Carl Cronan Pleasent Grove, Ala. Dear Carl, It's difficult— sometimes it's so chock-full, we have to sit on the covers to close the magazine! I noticed a blooper in Issue #28. It was in the "Marithin Man" page 48. In one place on the page you had the marithin man's and ShmelPs voices switched! Sandy Lindgren Hibbing, Minn. Dear Sandy, We tried it the right way and it wasn't as funny! I am only 8-years-old but I'm probably your number one fan! Richard Bullington Fort Smith, Arkansas Dear Richard, Sounds possible. Our No. 8 fan is a 2-year-old! I think you should do a satire on "Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea", "The Omen" and "The Brady Bunch". If you don't print this letter I'll take issue #10 through #26 and burn it along with my other garbage and junk! Johnny Sead New York, n.y. Dear Johnny, For the sake of pollution, here's your letter! What I want to tell you is that I dig your mag and sleep right next to the newstand not to miss an issue. In this connection I would like to tell off Mr. Alain Houlliere from France who wrote to you (issue No. 27) to claim French fun mags were much better and that "You'll never get per- fection we know in France without writing in French". My standpoint is that this dummy is either a die- hard dingo or an out-of-the-way nut! Patrick Alan Gaglio Nice, France Dear Patrick, Now let's see what Mr. Houlliere thinks about your letter. He'll probably say you're in-Seine! Why don't you try a satire on if doctors made television commer- cials? That might be funny... J. Hilley Mableton, Ga. Dear J., Sorry, we don't do "sick" humor! jt.Hs^- W^- 'nuff said already! TAKE A LETTER TO CRAZY Marvel Management Group 575 Madison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 • MOVIE SATIRE: Here is CRAZY'S version of «Ptnrt o( the year. No, i In fact, in drive-in theatres they i their horns at the end to signify approv; Which is a sneaky way for us to call it. Pordon me, folks — 1 couldn't help noticing that strange-looking bottle you have fhere! Oh thi»? We took it from an old Hmm— 1 didn't know Phyllis Dillerwas 1 } 1 ^]ML ili^:.,.-' :: Remember thai medallion found? I knew it looked familiar! Here's a picture of an old ?5th Century Spanish noblewoman— and she's wearing it around her neck! That's no oh ex-wife Shirley! I'm only kidding! That is an authentic medallion all right! While it was on □ ship crossing the Bermuda Straits 400 years ago if was sunk! If we can find the pendant thot was attached to it, we can prove it's □ legitimate treasure! If not, it'll make a heckuva Crackerfack prize! While div row for the res of the bottles w 'II look for the pendant Mean- while, let e sleep — 1 gotl bright one early for yet another m j vie I'm doing th >sedays Man, is this my year! Here come my two guys now! They must've found Ihe pendant- - judging by the way they're sitting n top of the world! Can't wait to see it! A milk bottle? What's so valuable about that? There's a paper inside— that's what's so valuable tript of n —now that': year's big sea movie— ™ what I call th. in the tradition of JAWS I j bi 99est treosu and THE DEEP— ° f ,heiri all ! \t %v^ ^ wm>w>m The karate instructor who has a hernia condition The stewardess who sits on the pilot's lap during the flight The best friend who offers to look after your wife while you're gone The Candid Cameraman who suddenly appears in your bedroom The lady in front of you on the crowded supermarket line The girl you took to the drive-in who insists on watching the movie "*& The guy in the alley who wants to sell you a watch The cashier who puts up the change-of- ine price sign just as you reach the box-office you on that business trip to Pan CRAZY PROFILES: Writer: Joe Kiernon Artist: Tony Tallarico IN THE NEWS Salt Lake City, Utah: Mrs. Betty Gloggens, a Mormon housewife, gave birth to triplets this month- all girls. She named them Faith, Hope and Welfare (she's already had it with charity!) This makes it 19 children in the Gloggens' household— all girls. When asked what she would do now that she has three more girls at home, Mrs. Gloggens replied: "I dunno— keep trying for a boy, ' guess!" Philadelphia, Pa.: Local residents Max Garber, 96, and Sally Quimper, 93, were married this month— the groom claiming he "had" to after getting her in "trouble". The happy couple spent their two-week honeymoon getting in and out of the car. Chicago, III.: At one sitting, Arnold Zapp of nearby Cicero, ate 21 lobsters, 16 fried clams, 9 crab legs, 6 flounders, 3 red snappers, 2 salmon steaks and 6 striped bass. Afterwards' he said he felt fine, but his stomach now goes in and out with the tide! Detroit, Mich.: The star Tigers' outfielder, Tony "No Nose" Futterman signed his contract this month. Tony has been a hold-out. He hasn't played since 946. In fact, he hasn't been in one game in over 30 years. Only last month he was so fed up he remarked "I think I'll get out of this business!" lAddVH-aaDOIUl SI Sd30Od AOd Plains, Georgia: Billy Carter, the President's brother, just signed to star in a new movie "Ma And Pa Kettle Get A Hotfoot". Biliy leaves for Hollywood as soon as he can pack a six-pack. Asked if he thought he could act, Billy replied, "I'm a great actor! Who do you think taught Jimmy how to act?" Washington, D.C.: President Jimmy Carter suffered a serious accident recently when he got a bad bump on the head and two knocked-out teeth, resulting from a punch thrown by his daughter, Amy. She said she was fed up with peanut butter sandwiches, peanut soup, peanut meat loaf and peanut milk every day. As Amy put it when she zapped her father: "Nuts to you, Man!" Cleveland, Ohio: The late Mrs. Martha Wetback, a Shaker Heights housewife, left one and a half million dollars to her pet dog, "Roland" (should he sur- vive her and he did!) Mrs. Wet- back attained her great wealth by saving tin foil, shoe laces, stale bread and occasionally holding up banks. Roland barked, "I'm going to buy me 3 pet cats and a split-level dog house!" Rome, Italy: A book has just been released here about Michel- angelo, which explains exactly why it took him seven years to paint one ceiling. Seems it was a civil-service job. It further states that Michelangelo, although he loved doing windows, refused to do woodwork. They had to have a girl come in twice a week to clean up! DURING THE FIFTIES, PEOPLE HAD TO SHOP IN BIG CITY STORES. DURING THE SIXTIES CAME THE SUBURBAN MALLS WITH THEIR SELF-SERVICE BARGAIN CHAINS. NOW, IN THE SEVENTIES WE'RE BEGINNING TO SEE YET ANOTHER DE- VELOPMENT. ..WAREHOUSE STORES! UNFOR- TUNATELY, PRICE-SLASHING CAN'T BEGIN TO KEEP UP WITH INFLATION, SO AS PRICES CONTINUE TO SOAR, IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE WE SEE THE ULTIMATE IN BARGAINS... CROOK BROS. WAREHOUSE AUTOMOBILES. Dozens to choose from. Sorry, no keys. $100.00 ond up. We also have several police cars. Empty, $350.00 With attack dog in back, $600.00! BOOKS, BOOKS, BOOKS And more books. AH popular library editions. Libraries have lousy security! Only 50<t each. KEG OF NAILS... Saved up when we took stuff that was nailed down! Only $5.00 HANDBAGS. ..Wide variety o sizes, colors, and contents Carried by little-old ladies who only dared to walk on Sundays! $4.00 each. "AlUVd 3WVS 3H± 01 01SIUHO 31NOW dO 1NHOO 3H1 ONV S31NVQ QNnwaS 3J.IANI l.NOQ GENUINE MINK STOLE. ..Well, it may not be mink, but you can bet your life it was stole! $750.00 HATS AND COATS... Right off the racks! Many worn only once. All famous-name manufacturers... like Howard Johnson' and Red Coach Grill ABANDONED CHILDREN. ..The perfect addition to any household or write to original parents and collect the ransom yourself! All ages $500.00 ea. LOCKS. ..Combination^ or regular. All sizes shapes and styles. Your 'pick'! $1.00 up. CANDY. ..It was easy taking candy from babies, and we're passing on the % savings to you! 10* per bag. COME VISIT VAST SHOWROOM* nam If you don't see what you want, let us knew and we'll get it for you at super-savings! If you see something that was yours to begin with, tough nuggiss! If you have a problem with any merchandise, we'll stand right behind you. \ That's so you won't db able to see as! WE WILL NOT BE UNDER-STOLE! ASK YOUR LOCAL FENCE FOR DIRECTIONS. Today people i are deciding early in life exactly what they went to be when they grow up. Five-year-old children plan on being millionaires. ven-year-old girls plan on being sex symbols. Nine-year-old boys plan on being dirty old men. Now some professions have particular requireme Vou may not have the necessary equipment to be what you want to be. For example, do you want to be a coach or a gym teacher' Check your gear! See if you have what it takes to make the team! Mainly, follow... CRAZVS QUICK CAREER COACHING GUIDE or HOW TO BECOME A BIGWIG IN SPORTS IN FOUR EASY LESSONS Writer: Michael Pellow.kl (or one hard one) Artltt: Tony Talldrlco 1. YOU MUST LOOK LIKE YOU CAN DO THE JOB EVEN THOUGH YOU CAN'T. . . 2. YOU MUST HAVE THE FOLLOWING ACCOMPLISHMENTS TO YOUR CREDIT. . . You must have a contract stating that you had a try out with some type of pro sports Certificate of Attendance Jolm §por1? ro Contvact The R A*. Polecats <rf -the Eas-tevn Tootkpickin' League will pay Joe Shmoo »5.°-2 i-P he wakes their sewi-pv-o tooth pick in teaw, 3. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO PERFORM CERTAIN PHYSICAL FEATS. Z- .»-> « C((§ » 5r~™ A^ fW \sqOoosH. j 10, rice P You must be able to do one push up, one chin up. You must be able to squash a person's palm one sit up, etc. You only have to be able to do when shaking hands. You must have a super one of each exercise because you only dem- strong grip. Only your right hand has to be onstrate each exercise one time. strong. The rest of your body can be weak. You must be able to perspire profusely. Coaches and gym teachers are expected to look sweaty. You must have scars on your You must be able to palm a knees and a phony storey about basketball or be able to hold 5 how you got hurt In a cham- baseballs in one hand, pionshlp game. You must be able to draw X's and O's on blackboards. You don't have to know any other letters. 18 You must be able to throw a perfect spiral, a full court pass, or a curve ball. Last, but by no means least... You must be able to blow a whistle. This is your most im- portant job. 4. YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO DO CERTAIN MENTAL THINGS TOO. Some students are reluctant to participate In A coach must be able to deliver Impromptu pep- physical activities. A coach must calmly and talks at a moment's notice, logically persuade them to become Involved. A coach must be an amatuer phycologist, subtle- Above all, a coach must set a good example for ly making hts team realize how important win- his players to follow, nlng is. You're a senior! You've been he team for four years! Forgetting your plays is (ike forgetting your own name! Say! What is your igain? Although winning is Important, a coach must A coach must live by the I demonstrate how to lose gracefully. he sets down for his players. One of the major problems lacing Americans today It Unemployment. Million! of people are out of work. We feel the Carter administration should come up with a plan to gat these folks back an their coffee-breaks. During the Great Depression of the 1930's. President Roosevelt created the W.P.A. to help the unemployed get back on their feet. Today the work force needs work. And so we worked up this workable article which we think will work. If not, back to the Unemployment Line for the writer who though up... NEW JOb IDEAS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED Writer: Jos Klernan Artist: Dave Manak BEACH COMPUTER Salary: $8,000 per year. An extra allowance of 6 bucks a week is given to buy eyedrops for overworked eyeballs. Education: None-- you must have to be alive and have a will to put in long hours. Duties: To sit on the beach and count all the girls wearing bikinis. A bonus is given for finding girls who are topless. Pay is 3 bucks required for thi of laying growing. Also noting hi year, there GRASS GAZER n hour and all the grass you can eat. Education position: 7 weeks in any jungle, swamp or golf ntry. The work takes place outdoors and consists ground and keeping track of how the grass is olor changes in the sunlight. Next his field: looking at astro-turf. CLOUD LOOKER 92,000 dollars a yar-if you know anyone who works for any of the following, Walter Cronkite, Secretary of State Cyrus Vance or Stan Lee. Education requirements: anything you got is O.K. For 2 hours a day you lay on your back and look at the passing clouds lo see what they look like to you. Whether it be ducks, faces, boats, the state of Utah, etc. TRAFFIC CONTROLLER FOR ANTS 5,987 dollars o year. 35 bucks allowance to buy a magnifying glass. Duties of the jab: Keep ants in line when they cross streets, beaches and people sleeping on picnic blankets. Education needed: 3 hours in any back yard. ilSndl3/v\aODNIl MM- TV COMMERCIAL COUNTER Pay is $10,000 a year ($12,000 if you own a TV set). Education: at least 3 years of viewing "Welcome Back, Kotter." Purpose of work: To find out tiow many commercials the network can ram down the throats of the American public in a 24-hour period. PARK BENCH TESTER Pay is 100 dollars a week or 20 bucks a day. Some people only work one day because they get mugged in the park. Educational requirements: Must be able to write name, count up to 10 and read Wet Paint signs. Work consists of testing park benches to see if they ore sturdy and termite-free. FIRE PLUG FEELER Pay is 9,000 yearly (9,500 dollars if you don't have hang-nails). Education: Must be able to tie own shoes and wave good bye. Also must have talent to get along with dogs. Reason for job: To see that the fireplugs do not leak. Also to see that no plugs are stolen. TREE SITTER Pay is 21,000 dollars □ year (24,000 dollars if you can recite the poem "Trees" without laughing). Education needed: One week in Kindergarten or four years at Yale. The job is to go talk fo lonely . trees for at least an hour. Many trees in this land of ours are without friends. Be a pal to a poplar or a friend to a fern. BIRDBATH FILLER Pay is 245,000 dollars a year. Education: 4 years of college, 6 yei of Medical School and 8 weeks of auto repair, if you have none of the above, you may get the job if you can prove you voted for Jimmy Carter or have bought gas at brother Billy's Service Station. Job is to walk around in your town every morning and put water in the birdbaths. If you cannot find any birdbaths, you take a robin to Heehaw! Hoo heel Funnneee! Haw how! Ho hoi And he's holding the magazine upside down yet! HUMOR MAGAZINE READER Pay is 76 cents a week (98 cents if you don't wear glasses). Education needed: If you have walked post any school in the last 12 months you will do. Work consists of reading all comic books, humor magazines and stuff like that. While you're reading, if you find anything that'strikes you funny, you write it down and send it to the United Nations in care of Captain Kangaroo. In the public's interest, we present this article as a hint to would-be inventors who want to create machines that will benefit all mankind. Because these are definitely... JNUENTJQNS PANT"' MANT&301U.A I < IT TASTES ") THAT'S 0SCAUSe YOU /-IKE J C5E DIRT TO MAWS ipy GROUND ^IT INSTEAD OF BEANS ! * I COFFEE g to resort to WE SORELY NEED Writer: Jim Grodus gjsgjg noawAs sioas v si iHsasavHvw am .(Snf You receive that long-awaited $5000 royalty checlToh your new book ... and it comes the exact moment your wife asks you to buy her a new $5000 mink coat! You finally get your boyfriend to buy you that expensive necklace of cultured pearls ... and the next day you read about the police discovering a rash of imitation ^zircons! You finally realize your heart's ambition, that of opening up a quarter car wash ... and you go broke because nobody wants to have only a quarter of their car washed! You rent a new luxury convertible to go out riding with You have a group insurance policy which covers the you r beautiful new secretary ... and when you stop at a sickness you have ... and you find out that if s no good red light you'll see your wife crossing the street! unless the entire group gets sick! You succeed in having your father promise to get you that new car for your birthday . . . and it's moments before he gets a look at your school report card! You go down to City Halt for your driver's license and accidentally get in the wrong line . . . and you wind up married to a Toyota! You hear the pilot in the airplane you're flying say that the plane has just hit a simple air pocket and there's nothing to be alarmed about . . . and you find out if s a recorded message! Your psychiatrist finally uncovers your problem, that you have a very bad suicide-complex . . . and from then on he makes you pay in advance! You have a new electronic pacemaker successfully instal- You go to a Sunday double-header at the ball park and try led in your heart . . . and every time you sneeze the to take a picture of the 60,000 fans in the grandstand . . . garage door will open! and it won't come out because somebody moves! 25 IF YOU THINK THERE'S TOO MUCH VIOLENCE ON T.V. NOW, YOU WON'T BE SEEING MUCH LESS IN THE FUTURE BECAUSE PEOPLE LOVE IT! IN FACT, IT JUST MAY SPREAD TO OTHER FORMS OF ENTERTAIN- MENT... SOMETHING PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY TAKE PART IN! IF THIS HAPPENS, WE COULD END UP SEEING THINGS LIKE.... THE BOARD: Shows a symbolic map of New York City.. .Central Park surrounded by streets and buildings. All divided into squares, like chessboard. THE PLAYERS: Game is played by three people, who choose roles. One will be the 'assailant', one will be the 'VICTIM', and one will be the 'cop'. Persons interested in justice and fair play are advised not to become the 'cop'! Players can break down these roles even further. For example, 'assailants' may call themselves 'muggers', 'hit men', or 'tax collectors'. 'Victims' may be 'little old ladies', 'stoolies', or 'marathon men'. 'Cops' can disguise themselves as- anyone.. .even law-abiding citizens! CRAZ rS VIOLENCE GAME AR ROOM EhRN IMGOVBR OTTOMS J^k GHETTO TENEMENT WATCH YOUR HEAP AND COAT EMPIRE k STATE BOIuPING tJeWARE OF FALUN APES TV STUDIO WW#500V* PM TAX MENffeoOO 5 -* i pPttlM- CRAZY MA6. 1WS BEAMS FOPMERLV BUBKA6 OPIUM PEN NO SMOKING^ is-UHITED NATIONS BLPG. K3 AP AGENCY £APN tfwooo'- 1 - COURT HOUSE CRIME DOESN'T Am THE HO0RS\ ^AH6 GOOD J LOADING DOCKS AMP AtL YOU CAN SWIPE STATUE OF LIBERTY BURN,BA©y y BuRH Writer: Roger Francis Artist: Tony Tallarlco RULES OF PLAY: 1) Players lake turns, the nastiest (probably the cop) going first. Each player rolls the die, and may move that number ot squares in any direction, with the following in mind: 2) The assailant is always attempting to (arid on the same square as the victim. When he does, he gets up and beats victim over noggin with black- jack. Then he takes whatever cash victim has 'earned'. (See rule 4) 3) The cop is always attempting to land on the same square as the assailant. When he does, assailant offers him a 'cut' of the stolen money. If accepted, cop moves in opposite direction.(NOTE: Cop must also do his best to avoid victim.) 4) The victim is alway attempting to land on the 'business' squares to 'earn' amount shown, and as assailant closes in, attempts to land on same square as cop. If he does, cop mis- takes him for radical and uses mace, bazooka, or missile. Whatever seems appropriate. 5) If all three happen to land on same square at once, 'assailant' must go to 'prison' (shown at lower right on board) and pass up a turn. This will only amount to a term of several minutes. Talk about realism! 6) Game ends when victim finally passes out from wounds received. At this time, cop and assailant count their cash, and wealthiest wins! HAVE FUN!!! NOTE: You may wonder who is dumb enough to play the 'victim'. Many people are. The ones who leave their doors un- locked, carry large amounts of cash, or smoke cigarettes! IMNId V SVAA 3d3A3a invd 27 Do-Gooders are people who are well-meaning, well-intentioned busybodies who usually wind up getting it in the end. To show you what we mean, here is . . . A iOOK AT ^^MXMi WRITER: BOB ROSENBLOOM ARTIST: DIANE LEVIN Take a look at celebrity autographs and whattaya see? They all look alike, that's whattaya see! There's no individuality! Since most celebrities have their own images, what we should have are... Writer: \j £) £) 4) £) Ar,U,! Warren Emery JHHMpT ■/ 1/ W ■/ A ™" Ma V S^^^.&JD What's the big music sensation across the nation? Discol...Now wo'va got some dances you've never oven heard of. Lessons start right now - so put on. your platform shoes and turn up that radio. ..Arthur Murray, eat your heart out-because here's... CRAZY'S STEP BY STEP <$<*SC6 1/ESS6WS Writer: Joe Thadumml Artist: Vic Martin LESSON 1 THE CRAZY HUSTLE 9S»' INSTRUCTIONS: >] Couple starts at opposite ends of the disco floor and Hustles towards each other, being careful not to run over other disco dancers. Couple forgets to stop Hustling, and meets in the center of the dance floor, head-on. LESSON 3 THE LOOSE MARBLES V • J ^ *• s# This dance is a natural, especially after having just done the Crazy Hustle and the Crazy Bump. LESSON 4 THE GOTTA GO This dance occurs when one member of the couple suddenly remembers he left his car lights on after parking. ***"<» Couple dances with hands over ears in order to avoid listening to loud disco music from band. Slightly harder than the regular Cover Up, this is for double-jointed dancers only, and you can't cover up your ears. Girl has no offers (except from local dog catcher) and is forced to dance solo. Clod forgot to wipe feet before returning to the dance floor in this one. This is what happens ^y/.j when King Kong tries to %§£(*£• do one of these disco ^SS numbers. Not recom- " mended for anyone un- der 60' tall. Male partner must have two left feet and must plant one of them on his partner's right foot by mistake. Entire disco crowd gives up trying to follow these idiotic footsteps and "splits" to the Pizza Parlor next door. AWARD-LOSING ARTICLE PLAQUES FOR NOSE-PICKERS HUNG IN THE HOME OF A MEMBER OF THE BLACK PANTHERS HUNG IN THE HOME OF A MEMBER OF THE KU-KLUX-KLAN HUNG IN THE HOME OF AN OLD-FASHIONED STREET CORNER WOLF. HUNG IN THE HOME OF A SQUEALER OR A COP-HATER HUNG IN THE HOME OF A PROFESSIONAL MEMORY EXPERT. HUNG IN THE HOME OF A DIE-HARD REPUBLICAN. tmm fep^EPS* \00% Pure. Bull HUNG IN THE HOME OF A MARRIED COUPLE WHO ARE C.I HUNG IN THE HOME OF A PROFESSIONAL NUTS. EXTERMINATOR. HUNG IN THE HOME OF A SPEECH-MAKING POLITICIAN. &%mme& and f ^ / uJiJmM £' Artistr Johr TROPHIES THE OUCH-THAT SMARTS PLA- QUE (awarded to karate students who drop out of class} THE BEER CAN PLAQUE (awarded to those who produce natural gas during tuel shortage) THE PEANUT-PUSHES PLAQUE (awarded to people who once campaigned for Jimmy Carter) FOR PLUMBERS THE GOLDEN SPLINTER BENCH PLAQUE (awarded to team ath- letes who never play in any of the games) THE STOLEN HUBCAP PLAQUE (awarded to guys who take rip them off of moving cars) THE SCREW-BALL PLAQUE (awarded to all those who sub- scribe to CRAZY Magazine) FOR GAMBLERS FOR BORROWERS v Michael Pellowski YOU'RE NOT GETTING ^1P .To ...At th the silen breakfast table your talking cereal gives you ...You buy a parrot to talk to and it only learns to say ttreatment! three words: "Shutup, stupid!" ...The postman thinks your name is "Occupant" ...When you go to the zoo, you find that the monkeys because you never get letters addressed any other way ! throw peanuts at you ! You buy an attack dog from an obediance schoo , ...Things are so bad, you try to make a deal with the tell him to heel, and he bites the back of your foot! devil to sell your soul, and he doesn't want it! ANY RESPECT IF %%% ...You go to a pet store, ask for a pet that suits your ...You take an army physical and are classified 40-F personality and the man sells you a worm in a dixie cup! which means you go only if the enemy invades Wyoming! Your paren 10 o'clock an ts never knew where you were at ...You open the door of your attic and discover that d couldn't have cared less ! termites have devoured your hope chest. ...You go to a Hamburger King restaurant and they ...A 98 lb. weakling kicks sand in your face at the refuse to make a burger your way ! beach in front of your new girl friend. ATTENTION COWARDS: ■I«l T 01l REACT IN AN EMERGENCY? TAKE THE CRAZY EMERGENCY TEST AND FIND OUT! Artist: Gary Brodslcy If you noticed a cyclone heading your way, would you: If a friend pointed a loaded revolver at you, would you: A. Button up your overcoat? A. Tell him that he is no longer your friend? B. Complain because you just combed your hair? B. Give the muzzle a dirty look? C. Yawn? C. Tell your friend that it is rude to point? D. Turn towards home in hopes it will blow you there? D- Try to talk him into a game of Russian Roulette? If caught right in the middle of an explosion in a fireworks If you were making a speech and your pant factory, would you: fell off, would you: A. Just stand there and watch? A. Be glad you are wearing clean underw B. Try to hitch-hike a ride on a Roman Candle? B. Keep your shirt on? C. Regret that it wasn't the Fourth of July? C. Take a bow? D. Go all to pieces? D. Try to keep a low profile? When caught in an earthquake and noticing u opening between your left and right legs, would you; A. Do a jig? B. Do a hand-stand? C. Complain about your bad luck? D. Pull yourself apart and make a wish? If you were in a plane, looked out the window u noticed the wings fall off, would you: A. Inform your fellow passengers that the pla will be landing sooner than expected? B. Buzz the stewardess and request a final meal? C. Take two aspirins? D. Climb out and try to fix it? If you off the track, would you A. Stay perfectly ci B. Decide that you will ask for your money back C. Yell "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel"? D. Get nauseous and throw down' coaster and your car suddenly fl id remain seated? If you noticed tha meteor, would you: A- Look for a helmet? B. Look for a cop? C. Try not to look up? D. Look but don't touch? about to be struck by c n between r't going 100 If you were involved in s traveling 90 A. Express relief that the miles an hour? B. Search the glove compartment for band-aid C. Give both drivers a piece of your mind? D. Get out and take a bus? erupting If you were three feet from the mouth of <. A. Look at your watch so that when the authorities find you, you can give them the exact time of the erup B. Look for a fburide toothpaste to apply to the mouth? C. Move away one more foot? D. Go back because you didn't say "May I?" THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME d quite deal, yet a lea GODZILLA »-:■>>•.,.■: ■■ :•- . --.? .> ■:: r -c K 7 1 f^2| i] ISlr 1 ' HER£ X WA! OVER. HERE! HELLO? ^OO-HOO' THE INVISIBLE MAN Writer. Marylyn D'Amico II [ Stroked r Up: \M THE WOLFMAN FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER HOW COME YOU . T NEVER TAKE ME TO A 5*t& V BROAPWAY SHCM/? J -;coFFf j-|: KING KONG THE MARTIANS These Martians were really quite bold Causing War Of The Worlds to unfold.' The A-Bomb couldn't pop them, And man could not stop them. The Martians dropped dead from a cold! 1 1 now THAT'S WHAT I CALL. f^ DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE \ i pride. ATTENTION AMERICA: HOW DID GEORGE WASHINGTON EVER WIN AN ELECTION WITHOUT TELLING A LIE? CMZY KWS ATTENTION WORLD: IF THERE'S SO MUCH HATE IN THE WORLD- HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR THE POPULATION EXPLOSION? OF THE MONTH WEATHER: CHILI TODAY, HOT TAMALE ALL THE FITS THAT'S NEWS WE PRINT WRITER: PAUL LAIKIN NEW YORK, N.Y....A noted TV-hater claims he now has a five-foot screen in his living room. He keeps it right in front of his set! WILMINGTON, DEL... A local obstetrician reportedly put himself through medical school by working in the post office here. Trouble is, it now takes him three months to deliver a baby! CINCINNATI, OHIO.-Phone service is getting worse every day. A survey has shown that it now takes twice as long just to get a wrong number. HOLLYWOOD, CAL...Not only are some of the recent films bigger than life— they are ten times dirtier than life. One movie just released is so sick that they gave it a rating of Rx. PLAINS, GA.... Billy Carter is doing his best to conserve energy these days. He flies without a plane. Incidentally, there's a new fortune teller in Plains who doesn't use tea leaves, She reads from a bowl of grits. 44 DETROIT, MICH.... A fellow hereabouts invented a car that gives 500 miles to a gallon. Unfortunately, you only get 200 miles to the car! MOBILE, ALA.. .A recent poll con- ducted shows that 80 percent of the men cheat in America. The other 20 percent cheat someplace else. UGANDA, AFRICA... Everybody keeps putting down Idi Amin but his country must have the best doctors in the world. Ever hear of a Ugandan dying of old age? And speaking of Uganda, you should see the crowd when Idi Amin speaks. Such enthu- siasm. Why, people hang on his every word ! WASHINGTON, D.C.... Nixon said he covered up to shield his associates who shared the courage of their convictions. Seems however, that he got the courage and they got the convictions. UPI EXCLUSIVE: Idi Amin has just eaten Andrew Young! LONDON, ENGLAND. ..Lloyds of London has reported that Farrah Fawcett-Majors has insured her chest for $1 million dollars. And x that's just against theft! TV SATIRE: . , Today's television viewer is subject to an untold number of situation comedies each and every week...and they re all pretty much the same: BAD! Try as they will, television producers have failed to year after year to come up with anything new. One producer though, thought he had the answer...an all-black series that portrayed blacks as they REALLY are today. Trouble Is, this show only depicts the minority MIDDLE-CLASS BLACK. Nowhere do we find any mention of the WAATS-TYPE GHETTO BLACK. In fact, just once we would like to see a real down-to-earth... reality h up lo thi Andlhey s finally caught neighborhood! "C : 3r 1 1 - £ktz8&& IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO STEAL YOUR COPY- SUBSCRIBE TO CRAZY (and let us steal your money instead!) CRAZY SUBSCRIPTION DEFT. c/o MARVEL MAGAZINES 575 MADISON AVENUE NEW YORK. N. Y. 10022 I'm tired of stealing and robbing whenever I want to read CRAZY. Here's my coupon with EIGHT (S) BUCKS for the next TWELVE (12) ISSUES (including the SUPER GIANT SPECIAL) . This way I won't feel [ike stealing and robbing anymore. After 12 issues of CRAZY I'll feel like maiming and killing! Name . Address. City State ..Zip. SUBSCRIBE TO CRAZY- AMERICA'S NO. 2 HUMOR MAGAZINE (Let the others fight over who is No. 1) THE MAGAZINE THAT IS PRINTED WITH RECYCLED JOKES!